I’m not enough. There, I said it, the words that hide inside so many of my thoughts and actions. So much of my time is spent sitting and trying to think of ways that I can be better, more acceptable, more enough. Of course I don’t think those words exactly. Deceit would never be that forthcoming. Instead I am reminded of all my many shortcomings, moments I have fallen and failed, and the people who have told me by the way they’ve treated me that this is true.
The funny thing is, when you suddenly come face to face with a lie that you have held your whole life, the whole thing begins to unravel. All of a sudden, there are many moments in your life that make much more sense. You now understand how you got into that relationship in the first place and why you stayed. You didn’t believe you were enough. The outbursts of anger rooted in pain start to make sense and you begin to realize that you’ve built so much of your life on a devastating lie.
Demolishing this lie is no small feat. It is simple, yes, just believe the truth. But when tearing down strongholds and high places in my life, I am finding that there is an uncomfortable vulnerability required and I want to run from it. I would much rather run and hide.
I could keep running, hiding behind a smile and a few harsh words thrown at someone I can later blame on lack of sleep. I could keep up the charade and eventually end up friendless and angry. Or…I can start doing the scary thing and be vulnerable. I can start talking about these things to the trusted people in my life and let others help.
You see, the thing is, I’m not a burden. I’ve beleived that I was, it’s part of the belief that I’m not enough. Those two tend to go hand-in-hand. It’s a brilliant plan really- convince someone that they aren’t enough and then get them believing they are a burden so that they never tell anyone in their life who can speak truth and healing. Now they’re trapped in pain and isolation and the enemy can reek havoc on them in any number of ways. For me? Fear and depression have been his weapons of choice.
I am not left defenseless in this battle. I have some really great weapons with which I can not only fight the enemy, but I can defeat him. He’s already been defeated. That was done long ago by a Man hanging on a tree. He said then that it was finished and it most certainly is.
The only thing lying between me and my victory is me.
Everything to secure my victory has been done. Now I must enter that victory by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony (Rev.12:11). I tear down strongholds of lies with truth and bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I let others into the fight to stand beside me and I beside them. Together, we fight from a place of victory, knowing that it’s already ours to have. I’m not fighting for victory. I’m fighting from victory.
This doesn’t mean the battle is always going to be easy, it just means I already know the outcome as long as I stay in the fight.